Day two, lots of cravings and doubt
I at least got some good miles in so there is that. Other than that I'm doubting my whole plan and not sure what I'm going to do. This post also for friends and family only.
I woke up really early again today but couldn't bring myself to get up out of bed. I was up really late last night agonizing about my decision and wondering if it's the right thing to do. So much of the decision was based on the assumption that there is an actual community for concrete 5 in Portland and without that there really isn't a reason to leave. The main thing is that I want to find people that can help me with programming bikelove.org, I don't know how I'm going to do that now. I feel like I have to start back in on bikelove because it's the only thing that's ever made me sexy to anyone, without it I'm not really worth much of anything.
So anyway, I was up late and then woke up early and just lay there trying to figure out what to do. Got a text message from an aquaintance saying that they "Have some primo stuff" and I had to decline picking any up. I was tempted though, it seemed like it would be such an easy thing to just give up and head over to pick up the sticky nugs. Thankfully I didn't give in.
Today was filled with triggers, walking back in the door for breakfast was the first one, ordinarily when I get home the first thing that I do is smoke a bowl and check facebook and email. So that was kind of annoying to not have what I wanted when I got home. Seems like food is a pretty big trigger, I am now just finished up with dinner and I don't want to do anything else but smoke a bowl. It was the same way with cigarettes, honestly in a lot of the situations where I'd get the big cravings from food related triggers I would smoke a bowl and have a piece of nicotine gum instead. That doesn't really work here. I thought briefly about trying to pick up some sort of herbal smoking mix just to be able to keep the smoking action alive since I like that so much. I gave that idea up though, most of those blends are horrible to smoke.
I picked up a new air mattress for my sleeping bag in preparation for next weekend's camping trip. When I bought my bag last year they suckered me into getting a bag that didn't have padding on the back side so you put in a sleeping mat. That seemed OK, so I ordered a sleeping mat off the internet (or maybe I already had it, I don't remember) but the mat didn't fit in the bag. Turns out you have to get special air mattresses that cost a whole lot more money than a standard mattress, I was hoping to spend 30-40 dollars to get a new mat and ended up spending 100. That made me pretty disappointed. I posted about it on facebook and found out that the brand that I bought is known for becoming porous and leaks and Midwest Mountaineering won't replace them so I might be SOL if it goes bad unless I can get it fixed by the manufacturer. I'm really not happy about this.
After breakfast and shopping I headed out for a haircut, it's been getting pretty bad so that I can't actually leave the house without showering and shampooing my hair to get it back in shape. From there it was off to ride my bike which was the whole reason for taking the day off from work. I didn't plan out any nice route or anything, I just went and rode the Hopkins Loop 3 times. I ended up withI added another water fountain to WeTap this time it was the one at the Depot in Hopkins. It doesn't appear as if anyone else in town is adding places so I wonder how useful my contributions are going to be. At least eventually I'll have all the water spots that I know mapped. I didn't pass very many people on the ride, it seemed like everyone that was out actually training was way faster than me. Saw lots of cute roadie girls and that left me thinking about how little I would have to offer any of them, I wouldn't even be able to keep up on a bicycle. So it wasn't really that great of a ride, it was mostly just putting in miles and being bummed and feeling really slow. My pedals were making horrible squeaking noises too, that was really annoying. The new drive train on the Cannondale was quite nice though, I wasn't really hating on the bicycle itself like I usually do. I wanted to try for four loops but by the end of the third I was dying pretty bad though not as bad as the last ride. But still I knew that I didn't have enough to do the whole loop again and then still ride home, I'd be totally dead after that. I don't think I'm going to get into the kind of shape that I need to be in by the time that Powderhorn 24.
The rest of the day was just shopping for groceries at the coop and reheating some Indian food for dinner. I'm watching some time team and not trying to think too much about if this is a good idea or not. It seems like the more I think about it the stupider the idea becomes. At least the moving part of it. I still need the money, it seems like all of my plans no matter what I want to do will require me having a lot more money than I do right now. So quitting is probably a good idea. If I save enough money and keep up on my bills I might be able to buy a house sometime soon and then I could start growing my own weed and still save money.
I still don't get why my quitting is so popular. The hits on my website are still much higher than normal on the last two posts. I don't really know how I feel about that. It doesn't seem like it's probably a positive thing, but then again I'm a pessimist. I figure there must be some ulterior motive to everything and this is no different. It almost makes me want to stop publishing anything.
I'm worried that tonight I'm going to get very little sleep again. I took double my normal sleep meds (over the counter and not that effective) last night and it didn't help me fall asleep at all. I couldn't shut my mind down at all. I just kept thinking about what I should do next, what I'm doing wrong, how I'm doomed to never meet anyone that wants to share a life with me. I'm sure tonight will be no different.