I hate days like today
Long, filled with cravings and loneliness, wish something would change.
Today started pretty early, I woke up without much to do so I stayed in bed and kept dreaming even though I was mostly awake. A weird dream, I was back in the print industry working in a huge plant again. Only somehow it was combined with Game of Thrones and the Occupy NDP, there were a ton of people with swords chasing around a teenage version of someone from the NDP group. Also some project that I'd programmed that combined ipads and websites and print on demand technology. I have no idea why I dreamed of the print world after so long away from it.
There was some talk in the morning about having the Occupy meeting today instead of tomorrow so I sent a text to the friend I was supposed to hang out with today to find out what time he wanted to hang out so I could see if I could do both things. Turns out that he was out of town relaxing somewhere else and couldn't hang out at all. Seems pretty typical, the last several times that I've tried to hang out with anyone without having work to do with them people have bailed on me. So I guess either I have to do more work in order to have more people to hang out with or I need to just get used to not seeing anyone at all socially except for at large public events where there are lots of people I know. Probably the latter, the one woman I've actually loved who loved me back recently told me that it doesn't matter who you are with you are always alone. For awhile with her I thought I wasn't alone but then she started leaving me alone for weeks on end and even when she was there I could tell that she didn't want to be there and I couldn't handle that.
They decided not to move the Occupy meeting to today so it's tomorrow so I didn't have anything to do. Finally put some hours in on Family Tree Midwifery, mostly the blog and making a few new page types and adding in a gallery. There's probably more I could do on it but I stopped and deployed in the afternoon because I was just getting so sick of working on it. It's hard to work on projects that I don't care about.
After that I watched Golden Rule, The Theory of Investment Politics. It was good but basically nothing I didn't already know about capitalism and politics.
Now I'm stuck with nothing to do. I could clean my house but I really don't want to. I went shopping at the coop and managed to blow over 60 dollars on a pretty small basket of food, I think it was the maple syrup and ginger root that took up over half the money I spent. My chai habit really isn't a cheap one. On the way home I noticed looking at the palms of my hands that I have a lot of small round spots where the skin is peeling. I hope this isn't something related to the new medication that I'm on, it would suck if I end up as one of the few people that ends up with a reaction that's a potentially fatal rash. I am going to keep an eye on it and see if it gets any worse over the next couple of days. Today was also the day I count out all my pills into the little pill holder that sorts them out for each day, I realized while doing this that we totally forgot about one of my medications when I was at the clinic last. We worried about the bipolar and covered that for medication but we left out the pills for the ADHD. So I need to call back on Tuesday and see if I can get them to leave me a bag of samples that I can pick up whatever day I work from home this week. With the holiday and the fact that we have a company meeting on Friday I'm only working from home one day this week.
It's times like this that are the hardest to keep focused on staying sober. I would really like to just get a little fucked up and maybe watch some stupid thing on the computer and forget about the fact that I'm always going to be alone. But I can't do that so I'm stuck just sitting here thinking about how I don't have any meaningful relationships with anyone, nobody that I'm close to that I can just call up and hang out with. I don't really get why I decided to be sober on days like this, at least when I was drunk it was easy to explain why I was alone, it was because I was just a worthless drunk. Now I'm stuck with the thought that it's not the drinking, it's just me and who I am.
I guess I might as well post up some links that I found interesting today, that will distract me for a bit of time and maybe make this post worthwhile to someone.
Here's a nice letter from someone in Montreal to the english speaking media. Apparently out of all the protests there is a great feeling of community and connection. I'd love for something like that here.
More and more companies are inventing products and then crowdsourcing the money to actually produce them. I think this is a pretty good thing, I'm hoping that I can use a similar model for funding bikelove.org once I get started on that.
How internet rumors can totally ruin someone's career and life. I've seen public outcry put people out of business back when I was running mplsbikelove.com, I think that was one reason people were wary of investing in the platform, because I allowed people to be critical of businesses as well as supportive.
This image seems pretty spot on to me. If it wasn't just the way that things are done would we allow corporations to do the things they do? We have centuries of 'progress' to undo, I think we need to do a whole lot more to protect the planet from being totally used up and destroyed.
It almost sounds like the zombie apocalypse started in Florida today.
An article from al jazeera about 'voluntourism' in Cambodia. Seems like no matter what we try to do to 'help' people in other countries we still cause more problems than good.
An article on what men are looking for in women. Apparently I'm not thinking of women as 'exploitable' enough and I'll probably never pick up on cues from potential partners because I'm too empathetic and not looking for just a hookup.
I liked this piece on bike paths, I'd love to ride one inside of a building like the one they have in the photos. That is unless the bike path is filled with pedestrians. Apparently it's a problem worldwide.
A good article from David Byrne on the future of cycling in New York. It's pretty optimistic, I hope that the reality is actually as rosy.
A good piece about finding harmony between cyclists and automobiles. Some of it is specific to Washington state but most of it applies everywhere.
Another article about the relations between these two groups of people, this time a lot more pessimistic.
I liked this TED talk about robots and what they mean to the human experience. Not a lot of real content but some cool stories about robots.
There's an art show all about bicycle comics coming up at the Black Dog in St. Paul. Here's the flyer:
I really like what's happening in this ward in Chicago. The city's alderman has given over complete budget control to the people instead of the elected officials. I wonder what kinds of change it would bring about in our country if the money was actually controlled by popular vote as opposed to elected officials. I think we'd see a huge change in priorities pretty quickly. I'd love to see the Neighborhood Democracy Project grow into something like this, city by city changing things from the ground up.
An article on the domestic surveillance of the Occupy movement. Another one on how you could end up on a government watch list, they are mining social media and phone conversations looking for keywords, they've now released what those words actually are. Another article about how the FBI is using cookies and redirects to 'suspect' websites to track visitor web traffic after they visit the sites. The US is really turning into one of the greatest surveillance states ever.
And that was pretty much everything that I paid attention to online today as well. Such a tiny and worthless day. Now I've got another hour to kill and then it's time for the Icarus Project meeting, I'm almost too bleak on everything to feel like going to do that. I'll probably still go but I don't think I'm going to have a lot of good input or anything.