Day one has been fine so far

2012-05-15

A little jittery, kind of debating if this was a good idea or not, wondering why so many people seem to care.

For some reason my last post is now the most popular page of all time on this site.  Out of the 150 or so page views it's had exactly 3 people chose to take the time to register for the site so that they could read it.  I have no idea why a post that nobody wants to read would be so popular.  The only thing I can think of is people like seeing me fail at things and this is something else the voyeurs in Minneapolis can watch.  Too bad that I plan on posting most of my content about this only for my friends and family, which seems to be a very few people these days. 

This post is no different, most of the content is for people in the friends and family groups only.  If you log in you can see it, if not you'll never get to see it.

It does show me that a lot of what I'm feeling is valid, that I don't have anyone in Minneapolis that actually cares about me, there are just a lot of people that know way too much about me from what I've posted on the internet.  But it's not a two way street, there is virtually nobody that shares any kind of intimate information with me, nobody that calls me up out of the blue to hang out, nobody that considers me suitable as a lover.  It's very lonely.

And even though I got some news today that means my plan may not work out like I wanted it to it doesn't change the underlying cause as to why I need the money.  So I'm still going to be saving up for my goal, it should take me about 8 months to be where I want to be.  Maybe I can do it sooner if I cut down on some other stuff, start only eating burritos or something like that to save lots of money on food. 

Today started out way too early, I'm not sure why.  Because I didn't have my normal couple of bowls in the evening I took two sleeping pills so I would hopefully get a full night's sleep but I still ended up waking up about 6:15 and not being able to sleep.  I stayed in bed until about 8:30 because there was nothing for me to do if I did get up.  I would have stayed in longer but I just couldn't take it at all.  I came out into the living room and checked facebook and gmail but really didn't have much to reply to so I walked over to the Donut Cooperative to grab a couple donuts for breakfast.  They had a chai glazed donut that was pretty good, I was pretty happy to find that out.

Work was pretty steady, I had stuff to keep me coding all day which was good.  It was hard to really keep focused because mostly all I could think about was the fact that I've made this decision and now I have to follow through on it.  I sent off an email to Franz and Andrew from concrete 5 to ask how the scene is out there for finding work as a developer and apparently although there is a lot of PHP work in town there is very little concrete 5 work.  So that certainly affects my decision to move to Portland a lot.  If I can find work doing what I want to do out there then I want to go there but if there is no work then there's no reason to go there.

I'm now thinking I might want to go somewhere else, maybe move back to Missoula or something.  I don't really know.  I know that I have to leave Minneapolis, I hate it here.  Yesterday's post and the flood of people linking to it and visiting my site but nobody wanting to log in and get listed as a friend shows me that I really don't  have anyone out here who really cares about me at all.  They just want to see what sorts of crazy things I'm going to post on the internet next.  They don't want to see me offline in real life, I never hear from any of these people wanting to hang out.  I don't know who they are or why they are wanting to read this stuff.  I don't like that at all.

I've had this feeling for quite awhile now that people are talking about me behind my back and that everyone has on opinion on how I need to change in order to fit in and be a normal person.  Apparently I'm doing everything wrong, from what I say to what I do to what I think.  I hate that feeling.  I wish that people would just accept me for who I am but apparently that's never going to happen because I'm not a like-able person.  Because I'm depressed most of the time.  Because I don't have any notion of "fun" in my life.  Because I'm boring.  I don't know why but everyone seems to know exactly how to "fix" me and I hate that. 

Anyway, work was OK, I wasn't too jittery from not having my morning bowl today.  I'm really kind of getting antsy now that work is done and I have nothing else to do for my evening.  This would be where I normally smoke a couple of bowls and start up some media to watch.  I guess I could just watch stuff without smoking, that's probably what I'll do.  I trimmed my beard, that was it so far since work ended. That and worked on this post.

My brother came by and dropped off my Cannondale so I'll be able to ride it tomorrow.  He just got done with a complete overhaul, turned out that I needed all new chaninrings, cassette and chain.  They were used when I got them and had been through two winters.  Maybe that's why this bike was feeling so slow, I really hated riding on it.  I'm going to take it out for a few turns around the Hopkins Loop tomorrow I think to get some miles in and stretch the new derailleur cable so it settles in.  Hopefully it's set and re-adjusted so it shifts nicely by the time I go on the bike camping trip this weekend. 

I'm probalby doing a meeting with the Occupy NDP people at Pizza Luce for dinner in a bit which hopefully should fill out the rest of the day. 

Tomorrow I have the whole day off from work which will be hard.  The weekends will probably be hard too. It's pretty easy to not think about smoking when I have something to work on but when I just have hours and hours with nothing to do it's going to be much more difficult to keep focused and remember why I'm doing this.  It already seems like a stupid idea, one that I don't think I'll ever pull off.  I'm worried that I'll just slip back into my old habits and not focus on the goal of getting out of Minneapolis.  That I'll get a little bit saved and then find something else that makes more sense than trying to move to spend it on.  Or something else will happen and suddenly I'll have to spend all the money I've saved on something else like a medical emergency.  There just seems to be so much that could go wrong in the 8 months or so I think it will take me to save up enough money.

There is some good news in that I could probably keep working in some capacity at Hutman even if I moved, though we haven't talked about specifics on that yet.  Technically the work could be done from anywhere, I'd just be missing out on the in person code grocking that Robert and I do sometimes when I run into something that I can't figure out on my own.  That and the monthly "Hut Confabs" that bring together everyone that works for t he company.  We have one developer who lives about 100 miles away so he never comes into town except for the meetings.  So there's some precedent for having absentee coders working for the company.

I don't know why I'm feeling this way.  I'd like to believe that the people I know here in Minneapolis are my friends but I see very little evidence that anyone actually likes me or cares about me.  During the whole time I've lived here I've had exactly two women who were willing to actually pursue a relationship with me.  That's not for a lack of trying, I've sent thousands of messages to women through different online dating sites but the response was almost always simply silence.  I wasn't even worth a reply.  I found myself wanting to just send really offensive posts just so that I could try and get any reaction at all because it was obvious that trying to be genuine and thoughtful gets you nowhere in online dating.  Even offline I would meet people but never anyone that was interested in me.  I don't think this is going to change here either.  I don't know if it will be better somewhere else, probably not.  But I still want to see if moving somewhere that everyone DOESN'T know me will change the numbers.  Maybe all the women in Minneapolis (or at least ones in the bike scene in Minneapolis which is most of the people I know) already sees me as a crazy worthless addict.  There would be some justification to that but it's not who I am now and it's not all that I am. 

If I did move back to Montana instead of Portland it would probably be a lot cheaper to do and therefore take a lot less time to save up enough to move.  So I'm kind of leaning that way.  I'll probably have to get a drivers license so that I can rent a truck to haul my stuff, though I'll probably need to do that no matter where I move to.   I might totally change that idea in a few months after I've saved a little money and done more research into areas of the country that are hot for concrete 5 development.  Sadly I think that's not going to be anywhere. 

I don't know if this is the best solution, in a lot of ways it's just running away and not facing the root causes.  So I worry about that as well.