Day Three, Not sure what to do with myself


Work was fine and kept me busy all day but now that I'm home I'm getting some pretty bad cravings, not sure what I'm going to do about them.  This post for people in the friends and family group only.

Thankfully last night I actually managed to get some sleep without waking up too often.  I was pretty worried that I'd be up all night long like the night before.  I actually even dreamed for a change which is pretty unusual.  I used to have really vivid dreams when I was younger, often even waking dreams that were more hallucinations than dreams.  For some reason this has lessened over the years, kind of like how I used to have horrible allergies and now all I have is a runny nose sometimes.  I don't really miss it, I used to think I was plagued by demons or something that caused the dreams, I had no explanation for them.  I knew they weren't normal in any way, the only places I found anything similar was in stories about Succubi in ancient myths.  Last night was similar to a lot of these dreams in that it was a post apocalypse dream, I often dream about that.  This time it was a pretty tame storyline without a lot of violence, and several of the characters were people from television shows that I've been watching recently.  Nothing really unusual about that. 

I was up pretty early again, maybe 7 or 7:30.  I didn't get out of bed and do anything productive though, I just lay there until about 20 minutes before I had to start riding to work.  I used to have to get up about 40 minutes early to give myself time to break up my morning bowl and smoke it before heading out on the ride into work.  So now I can procrastinate even longer in the morning.  I wish I could get myself out of bed in the morning and actually do something productive before heading in but I never seem to be able to do that.

On my ride into work I stopped in at Freewheel to pick up a scone from my brother.  I was using my new to me used Garmin 205 GPS unit to track my trip in.  Remembering that someone had told me that the quickest way to get faster was to ride was too do intervals and actually having a device with me that I could time two minutes on I decided to try and throw some intervals in on the ride even though it was windy and I was pretty tired from yesterday's ride.  After the third set when I tried to change screens the unit told me that the battery was low and I had to power it off. I had actually charged the battery completely last night so I don't know what was going on.  I'm a little worried that the unit is dead and that I'm going to have to figure out something else to actually track my miles.

Work was pretty normal.  I spent most of the time working on getting a preview site up and running for a demo tomorrow.  That brought up a lot of issues that we hadn't quite accounted for in the upgrade process for the application so that was good. I'm feeling better about everything on the project which is good, I was pretty worried when we started it that it was going to be too big and complicated to finish.  Thankfully I'm not the only one programming on it, my boss Robert has been helping out a lot.  I'm really happy that we actually did get the job and that it's probably going to lead to a lot more work with the same company, it's a company that I brought in that used to be a freelance company of mine.  So I get a commission on any work that we do with them and we're starting to do some large complicated stuff for them which is much better than the little bit of work I was doing with them when they were a freelance customer.

In the morning before that project it was a little work on another huge project.  Seems like all we have right now is jobs that are too big and complicated for me to feel comfortable programming on.  I'm mostly working on just the front end for that project and Nathan is working on the more complicated stuff. 

I picked up a book on object oriented PHP that I've been starting in on trying to educate myself a bit to become a better programmer.  I've decided that just looking for volunteer projects or freelance work to do in my free time isn't really the best way for me to improve my skills.  Since I can't afford to go to school for it reading manuals is really the only way I have to try and improve.  I'm hoping that I get a lot of good information out of the book, even just the first couple of chapters showed me a lot of details about things that I was slightly confused on.  I have the feeling that tonight I'll end up reading more of it because I don't really have anything else to do.  I could work on the site that I'm doing in trade for my brother but I don't think that I'd get much done on it and I've already been working all day. 

Coming in to my apartment after the ride home was a huge trigger for me as well, I actually had to sit down and start typing this up because I didn't have anything else to do.  I'm doing laundry, I could do something productive like clean my apartment but it really doesn't sound all that appealing to me.  It doesn't really matter how clean my apartment is because I never have anyone over inside of my house.  It's really hard to get motivated to clean when it's only for myself, I'll clean before I have people over but it's only a couple times a year that I have people over.  It's one of the things I have on my list of things that are "wrong" with me that I need to fix if I ever want to meet anyone but I really don't care about it enough to actually make any change.  I've tried to be good about cleaning in the past and it's never really worked, I don't think this is something I can change.  The only time I'm actually clean in my living space is when I'm living with other people and even then it's only really the common areas that I keep clean, not my own room.

Other than that not a lot going on today.  Still not really sure what I'm quitting for other than money but it seems like the right thing to do.  I was half tempted to stop and get a six pack of beer when I rode by Skol Liquors, I've honestly been pretty tempted by that pretty often over the last few months.  Somehow trying to think that I could regulate things now and keep it under control, that it would be a good way to get out and meet people, or to socialize with people that I already know.  But I'm trying to convince myself that it's not worth it financially either, and that no matter what I think I won't be able to control it.  Any substance that I start using to keep my brain in an altered state so that I have a known "baseline" that I can then use to keep track of where my brain is quickly becomes something that I'm quite habituated too and it takes more and more in order to get to the point that I want to be.  All I'm really doing once that happens is maintaining a level in my brain of the drug, I'm not actually spending much time drunk or high. I'm just a little bit tipsy and keep that as my baseline.  Trying to tell myself that with the Geodon now I don't have to do this to keep sane but it's really hard to actually believe that. 

Yesterday's post was a lot less popular than the previous two posts, that makes me happy.  Maybe people will realize that I don't really want people reading this.  I had one person more sign up for the site but they weren't someone I consider a friend, at best we are acquaintances.  We've never hung out together, we don't interact on facebook.  I wonder why he signed up, he didn't request any group memberships or anything.  It's been odd seeing the page paths of people reading the short posts, several have gone to the register and login pages but not signed up, I don't know why that is.  There are a lot of people I'd like to count as friends but there are also a whole lot of people that I don't really feel close with even though we are on friendly terms.  But if I've hung out with someone in the past or if they interact with me on facebook or twitter I'd probably count them as friends and let them read these posts.

I've been watching a lot of Time Team lately which has been nice but I wish I had more stuff to watch.  I've also been watching the BBC show Shameless but I don't really like it all that much.  I just keep wanting to tell the people in the story to get their shit together and stop being such fuckups.  I guess I'm not really one to talk, I certainly don't feel like I have my shit together.  But I think I'm doing better than the characters.  I'm not sure where I'm going to find new shows to watch, seems like I've watched a ton of stuff already and when I ask for recommendations on facebook I don't get very many suggestions any more.  I think it's going to take a lot of research to find good shows that are downloadable.  Really I should try to find other things to do than watch shows but I'm not that motivated.  The only thing I ever seem to enjoy doing is working on websites and I'm trying to keep myself from doing that all the time.  Ideally I'd be going out and hanging out with people I know but that pretty rarely happens too.