Giving up

2012-04-29

I shut down all my online dating accounts over the weekend.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about it and there's just no way I'm ever going to find anyone online.  Most of this post is flagged for people in the nobody and lovers groups.

It all comes down to me being flawed and small, and probably far too picky.  I don't know why I'm so particular that everything has to work or nothing does.  It's not like I wasn't getting interest from people on the dating sites it just wasn't the kind of people I was looking for.  It seems I'm only looking for unobtainable women, ones who have no interest in someone like me.  All that having an active profile was doing was making me keep looking at people that I know would never reply, no matter what I say.  Or girls who would seem interested but I knew as soon as they got to know me they would end it, and they did.  All it did is make me feel like I had less value as a person.

I also left a mailing list for group of people that all identify as polyamorous and have great sex parties.  I didn't feel like I could continue acting like I'm part of that group if I'm not dating anyone and I'm not likely to at any time soon. That was a lot harder to stomach than shutting down the online profiles.  But it had to be done if I'm serious about this.

I had gotten a couple leads on girls through OK Cupid but the first one I didn't like a whole lot but she was OK.  I could have dated her for awhile.  But she wasn't poly and so I knew that I couldn't be serious about her long term, because long term I really want to have an open marriage with someone.  So things there kind of ended badly as I tried to see if she wanted something short term.  Well, that's what I wanted to happen out of the night.  Instead she told me she couldn't stand how much I still cared for my ex and I told her I wasn't sure I could do a monogamous relationship and that pretty much killed it.

Then recently there was this 22 year old girl that came onto me really strongly just wanting nothing but sex. I was interested but I was also nervous and unsure because nobody ever comes onto me like this and she had no picture and we were something like a 23% friend percentage and she also has in her profile that she isn't interested in open relationships.  All I can see is something ending badly, I don't need sex that badly.  I tried repeatedly to get her to meet me at some public location as just two people but all she wanted to do was get a hotel room and I didn't even know her name.

I couldn't take that.  I need a lot more trust with a sexual partner.  I found myself going to a coffee shop on Friday night on the off chance that she was going to take me up on meeting that night.  But I knew she wouldn't show up.  She only wanted me to meet her in a hotel and I couldn't even afford a hotel.  I wouldn't want to fuck someone in a hotel unless it was someone that I was already in a serious relationship with and we were on vacation.

See?  I'm worthless as a sexual creature.  I should be wanting this and craving it but I'm not.  I run in terror of it because I need to actually trust that the person I'm with isn't going to just humiliate me or do something unknown.  I had nightmares of this girl not being a girl at all but a guy - after all I have a female profile so I could see how pathetic my profile looked against the other guys so I know they don't verify gender.  Or maybe she was going to drug me and steal my kidneys.  I don't see how she could have actually been interested in me.

I guess that's it, I don't trust that anyone actually would want to love me so anything that I even try is doomed for failure.  As long as I feel like my life is completely small and pathetic that's never going to change.  I need to do something significant to fix that.  There are only a few things that I know of that I could do that would really change that and I don't know if any of them are going to happen any time soon.   Probably not for years at least.

So I don't know what next steps are.  Probably try doing bikelove again because that's really been the only thing that made me into someone that someone else could want.  For some reason it's not the same with Occupy project, though maybe that could get to be the same way.  I think that might help if it goes well but there's so much potential for it to go horribly too.  The movement is so tenuous that it seems like it could go up in smoke at any moment.

So that's about it.  A long post if you're in the Lovers or Nobody group but that's really nobody anymore.  I miss when I had someone that would read everything.

But I do think I'll be happier without the constant email reminders of all the wonderful people who are not interested in me.  Without thinking constantly of all the reasons I'm not worth anyone else's time.  I've already been over this line of thinking enough, I need to do something different with my time.  It was a nice experiment to think I could date but it has proven to be a failure.

Part of me really wants that failure to be an excuse to give up on the other part of the experiment.  But I know that kind of thinking is going to get me knowhere at all.  I really wish that I was someone that could drink but I know it would end badly again, there's nothing down that road for me either.

I don't know what there is for me down any road at this point.  Guess just my pathetic boring world, the same thing I had when I started writing my thoughts down on the internet.