I woke up way to early this morning, about 4:30 am. I had a bad dream where I was at the Birchwood and someone was there that new me and they said "Hey, Mr. Bikelove, how's the wife?" in a really condescending way because he knew there was no chance of my ever having a wife and it hit me bad enough that it woke me back up and I wasn't able to get back to sleep. I was already planning on trying to get to work early because we're so busy so it was good to be up early but I wish I could have stayed asleep. I had some more weird waking dreams, I think in one of them someone brought their dead mother back from beyond the grave and it caused a problem where everyone on planet earth became a "Face Sexual" where sex now involved the face and not the normal body parts. This also meant that there were 5 people involved whenever you had sex, one for each sense. I was on a space station at the time so I was stuck as the only person that was still a normal sexed person. That was pretty much a bummer too. I shouldn't let dreams set me up for a bad day but they really did.
Work was pretty busy, I ended up finishing up pretty much everything that I could program pretty early in the afternoon. I'm not sure what I'm going to work on tomorrow, I feel kind of bad that we have a lot of work and everything that's left to do is beyond my skill set as a programmer.
I sent a few emails back and forth with Low about the upcoming bike camping trip to the Lovetree Pizza Farm. We were planning on camping at the Bike Farm which would have meant that we only had 12 slots for people to come on the trip. She'd almost filled up all the slots just asking on the down low and trying not to get too many people and asked if there was anyone that I wanted to come on the trip. I couldn't think of anyone that I really wanted to see that would also want to see me for three days and go on a long bike trip. It really kind of hit me that I don't really have any close friends. Then I had a facebook interaction with someone that I don't really know all that well who always has some really harsh things to say to me and they actually said that I should just unfriend them if I didn't want to hear their opinion. I decided to do that, then took it one step further and posted up on my wall that I was going to put most of my friends into "acquaintance" zone instead of "friends." Really that's what most of the people in my friends list are, people I know because I was doing bikelove but not people that I hang out with or see on any kind of regular basis.
There were a couple people that asked to stay as friends but there was a pretty common thread that most people didn't want to stay in the friends list because they thought they were friends, they simply thought that I posted up good content and didn't want to miss out on what I post. I thought that really said a lot, it was never that anyone that I thought of as a friend actually liking me as a person, it was all about what I was doing with the website.
I don't know why but the only thing that I could think of was that I should just give up on sobriety. It hasn't ever really given me anything, sure it's great that I'm not killing myself with alcohol but I still haven't changed any of the basic problems that caused me to drink in the first place. The whole way home from work the only thing that I could think about was that I was going to stop and buy a six pack of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. I kept trying to convince myself that it wouldn't solve anything and that I might as well just head home and stay sober and miserable but the arguments just didn't seem to hold any water.
So I stopped on the way home, came in the door and opened up a bottle immediately. So far I'm up to the fourth beer and I'm still not really feeling any better about my lot in life. I'm also not feeling drunk at all, just a little sick to my stomach and my head kind of hurts. So I probably won't follow up on this avenue very much but I might still occasionally drink at a party or other event when I'm out with people. I don't see myself giving myself over to just drinking constantly or anything, and I don't plan on drinking anything harder than beer. But I'm sick of always having to be the odd man out who isn't drinking, I'm sick of always having to think that the only way to control my drinking is to simply abstain completely. I wish I had of gotten drunk, at least when I smoke pot I can get high even when my tolerance is high simply by smoking an extra bowl.
I did go through all of my friends when I got home and put most of them into the acquaintances list. There were several people I kept as friends, people who have still stayed relevant through the years and a couple people I don't really know all that well in real life but I still find their interactions on facebook relevant and interesting and I wanted to hear from them. I thought about adding some people to the "close friends" list but there really isn't anyone in my life that fits into that category. I saw someone who used to fit into that category on the way into work this morning and we said hi as we passed in opposite directions. His girlfriend invited me to his birthday party but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to see me so I'm not going. Yet another thing that made me feel like I've really lost all of my connections to everyone.
I think really the only thing that's going to come out of today is there's going to be even less content and less interactions in my facebook stream. Which most days is really my only human interaction. I hate that it's my only interaction, and I hate that I put so much value on the interactions there. I really find myself trying to post up nothing but good relevant content but I really don't get why I'm doing it. I don't think it really does any good for anything. I can't really post up anything that I'm really feeling or what's going on with my state of mental health without people berating me for being too depressing and not being positive enough.
So hopefully with less time spent on facebook I'll start putting more time into things that really matter besides just spreading articles that other people have written. Maybe I'll start drawing or writing music again. Or get out of the house and actually do things. It's kind of doubtful, I'm sure all that's going to happen is I'm just going to withdraw from the world even more. I'll still keep blogging but really the only reason I'm blogging any more is so that I have a record for myself. That's why I've been doing daily posts and trying to post something no matter how bad the day was. There's not going to be anyone else who will remember what happened for me, there's not going to be anyone else for anything.