I need to find a different route home


Not all of it, just the last few blocks.

There are only really two routes that I can take to work, either taking trails most of the way or going through downtown and taking surface streets in the whole way.  I try to avoid the downtown one unless it's winter time and the trails are snowy and icy because the roads get salted better in the mornings.  Lately though as I take the last few blocks from the Greenway to my house I've been finding it harder and harder to keep riding past Skol without stopping and picking up a six pack of something.  I don't know why, but it just seems like it would be so much easier to just give up on this too.  The whole point of getting sober was to try and be a better person so that I could find someone to love and share my life with and it's become exceedingly obvious that this is never going to happen.

The odds are just against me.  My entire life I've had exactly one woman who I actually wanted like me back.  And she was always breaking up with me and telling me that we would never work out long term and that there was no future.  It's my own fault, really.  I'm just not attracted to the right women.  The ones that I like are always way out of my league and for some reason I think that they should also have feelings for me but that very rarely happens.  I don't know why I'm so picky.  First off it has to be someone who physically is someone that I actually want to sleep with, I've had several women express interest in me but I simply didn't want to have sex with them at all so there was no point in pursuing the relationship.  Then it has to be someone that I actually want to be around and enjoy spending time with.  There are even fewer people that fit into this category.  Then we have to want the same things out of the relationship, the last girl I even tried dating it was obvious within a couple of weeks that we both wanted two very different things and even though I could be content with her for a little while I would always be searching for more so I had to break that off, it was better to do it before anything got serious if I already knew that the relationship was doomed.  On top of all of this they have to actually want me, to think that I'm good enough to tell people that we are in a relationship and that we are building a future together. 

Nobody has ever met all of those criteria.

It's been pointed out to me that a lot of what I post people think that I'll never find someone to love until I actually love myself.  I don't think that's the problem.  I do think I'm a worthwhile person that should be loved.  It's just that objectively the women who meet all the criteria needed for me to be able to love them are very rare and exceptional people that always have better offers than me.  I am a realist, not a pessimist in this aspect.  I have an over inflated sense of self worth thinking that these women that I find intriguing and worth pursuing will want me as well but the fact is that I don't really have anything to offer.  When I try to think about what sets me apart from other men all I see are the negative things, I'm crazy, I'm an addict, I have a good career but I'm about a decade behind where I should be at my age.  About the only things I think I really have going for me is I'm dedicated to my partner's happiness in the bedroom and I'm not a liar or a misogynist.   I don't have qualities that most women are looking for especially in an online dating situation where they are viewing my profile vs the profiles of other men with better jobs and better interests and hobbies and tastes.  I'm just too boring to attract the kinds of women I think are my equal and worth pursuing.  I don't know how to change this or if it will ever be different.

Meh. Today has just been very frustrating and way too long.  I woke up early before my alarm like usual.  Only I actually got up when I woke up instead of staying in bed until the very last minute.  This was mostly due to my phone.  It's started not reading the charger after I got back from bike camping and wouldn't charge the battery.  I thought that it was working when I went to bed but when I went to check how long I had until the alarm actually went off as I lay in bed and saw that there was no power in my phone at all.  I spent the next half hour trying to charge it with a different battery or jiggling the cord a bit to try and get it to stay charging.  Eventually I got it but then I still had close to an hour before I had to actually ride into work with nothing to do.  I made up some french toast with a couple pieces of sourdough out of a loaf that was starting to get moldy because I can never eat bread fast enough to keep it from growing moldy but I think these two pieces were still untouched.  It was good to have time to make breakfast.

Work was kind of bad.  It started out with what should have been a really simple update on a site that was going live today.  At least it should have been simple but I still managed to mess it up.  I did a git pull and an rsync for the files directory and pulled down the database when I started working on it but I didn't log into the server to check that there were changes to the files on the server.  Turns out that the designer on this project had been making his own updates to the css and html of the theme and when I made my fixes to the Attributes Slider code and deployed I overwrote a couple weeks worth of tweaks.  We were able to restore from a backup and then make the changes again but I still felt pretty bad about that.  I guess I'm just going to have to log in on every site that we have for this client just to make sure before making any changes, or we will have to change our post-receive hook in the git repo to check and see if there are any changes to the working tree before it overwrites the changes, Robert linked to some code that looked like it could do the trick but I'm not actually sure how to implement it.

We also had one project to try and make a calendar application that I just can't wrap my head around.  We're trying to use the Advanced Forms and Data Display packages to handle content population but then write a calendar view for the information coming out of the database.  It doesn't really work all that well and getting the data out of the format it's stored in is simply beyond me.  I spent 5-6 hours working on it Friday and even after reading most of the code base for the packages I didn't know where to begin with coding what I need to make the application work.  Today I ended up simply wiring up a basic block and package that shows a calendar and uses a tools file to display dates, then you click on the date and it opens a modal dialog that has details about the date.  All of that is working but the tools files don't pull in any actual data, all the output is just hardcoded.  Robert is going to work on the actual data parsing part of the equation starting with what I put together.  It was frustrating feeling like I just don't have the skills needed to get it done.  And then even when I was just working on the most basic parts of what we needed to do I couldn't get it to work right.  It took me close to 2 hours just to get the block to add header items properly to add the javascript and css needed to actually make the calendar's view file.  I don't know why it didn't work, it seemed like every event that I tried didn't add it to the header right, then I think I had it working for a bit but had a syntax error in the code to make the calendar so even though the headers were there it still didn't work then I went back to a different event that didn't work to add the items.  Ugh.

The last couple hours of the shift was trying to figure out what they wanted on an upgrade to an older site that was one of the first ones that I did, Welcyon. I managed to get this one wrong by not looking deep enough into the supplied PSD for the new section's layout so I didn't notice how the new pages are supposed to work.  I had questions on it but they were all the wrong questions.  We went through everything right before I finished up for the night so now I actually know how it's all supposed to work together and I can actually code on it tomorrow.  Hopefully I don't mess it up too badly, it seems like we should be able to use the attributes slider code as a base and extend on it for what we need, which is basically a little callout box with a thumbnail and description that when you click on it opens up a lightbox that you can browse through with image, title, description, finished size and two downloadable files with details about file size.  For the first time in about a week it feels like something where I might actually know what I'm doing.

So that's where I'm at today.  Feeling pretty hopeless on everything but that's nothing new.  I should just get used to it but I don't think that I will. Hoping tomorrow is better than today but knowing that it will be exactly the same, filled with mediocrity and frustration and feelings of inadequacy.