I should be happy


Seems like everything is going good, so why do I feel so unfulfilled?

I'm really trying to just be content with life as it is but I'm not.  I should be fine, everything is fine, better than fine actually.  Things are going well.  Work is good, busy again with good projects.  I'm getting a new computer for my home office that's been long overdue.  That even turned out to be better than I anticipated, I've been saving money up and then my boss offered to chip in half of the cost and we ordered it from our vendor that has good prices because we order a lot of computers from them.  So I have setting that up to look forward to, I think it will be really nice to have a high power machine at home.  I've been having some difficulty working on some projects at home because it's impossible for me to run a Windows VM, Firefox and Netbeans all at the same time on my current system.  I can kind of get around it by having Netbeans run under windows but then I have to run Photoshop and Netbeans on the same monitor, that is difficult from a functional standpoint because you have to keep toggling between them.  It's not actually ideal to have Netbeans running under Linux and Photoshop in a VM anyway - you can't copy and paste values out of Photoshop into Netbeans so the functionality is minimal, it's just nice to have code on one monitor and Photshop on the other.  

Actually the more I think about it I should keep my current machine as a file / web server and then run Netbeans and Photoshop both native under Windows - I wonder if I can set up the debugger properly to allow me to connect from Windows?  That would be a good way to set stuff up, get all of the hardware acceleration benefits of running Photoshop native but have a solid web server running across the room.

So yeah, new computer is good.  I'm also getting a lot closer to done on a project that I've been working on off and on in my  spare time now for at least 6 months.  So that's really nice, I'm looking forward to it.  I actually have several good outside projects to keep my time filled up right now.  All of them are coming together nicely and everyone is happy.  The projects are also turning into stuff that can be sold in the marketplace, which is also really good.  I think that over the next couple of years the marketplace is going to grow to be a pretty substantial source of income for me.  I have high hopes for Attributes Slider, which was just approved which is also good.  So far no sales but it hasn't been featured on the weekly show yet and nobody's written any reviews or anything so that's not surprising.  It's only been two days, I'm sure it will sell.  I gifted licenses to everyone that helped me in the marketplace review process, hopefully that ends up driving some sales leads too as they try it out on client sites and see how easy it is to configure up a custom image slider.

The weather has been beautiful, I rode home today in short socks and sleeves and still worked up a sweat.  I've been riding the road bike again because my winter bike is temporarily out of commission.  That's actually kind of a good thing too, it's out of commission because I did an overhaul on it and cleaned up the drive train a lot and swapped out the tires for slicks.  It was the tires that killed me - the rear has a puncture that fragmented some of the Kevlar and there are little bits of it sticking out of the tire that make tubes go flat.  So once I get to a bike shop this weekend for some new tires I'll be back up and running on the commuter.  That means I'll be able to switch my chai production schedule a little bit - I can brew up all the chai at the beginning of the week on Sunday and then bring in 3 jugs worth in on Monday now that we have a full size refrigerator at work.  That saves me from having to worry about getting home on time during the week to make the next day's chai.  I think that's going to free up a lot of productive hours.

I've been healthy, eating good.  I don't cook a really wide variety of food but I like what I do make is getting better.  I think this year I'm going to try planting a garden, hopefully use more fresh ingredients.  I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to plant, one of this weekend's projects is to plan that out and order seeds.  I don't eat a lot of different vegetables so I'll have to expand what I cook a bit too.  That should be a good project and occupy a fair amount of my free time this summer with hopefully good results. Eating better has made a pretty dramatic difference in how good I feel overall, it's nice to finally not be paranoid that there's something wrong with me that's going to kill me.

I'm not even overall depressed like I sometimes get where it's a chemical imbalance.  If anything I'm more on the manic side of things, I've been sleeping less and less lately and getting really consumed by my projects. That's a good thing, I like it when I'm 'up' even if it is just a mild up. 

I guess that's where my unhappiness comes in.  There's only so much time that I can put into keeping myself busy, doing my day job then working on my solo projects doesn't fill up the whole day and at some point I'm left to sit and take stock of my life and evaluate what's missing, and it's not much really, just one thing that's not there at the end of the day and it becomes the only thing and it becomes everything.  I try not to let it consume me but it's hard as I lie there unable to sleep yet again, thinking of all the things I could be doing and how little they do to fix what's actually wrong with my life.  It doesn't matter how good things are going, as long as that one thing is wrong everything is wrong. I try not to let it get to me and for the most part I succeed but it's hard to keep my brain from heading into downward spirals at the end of the day and at the beginning, when I walk in the door after a day at work and it's just a long stretch of empty that I have to fill.  I'm trying to focus on the good stuff and there is a lot of good.

Anyway, that's where life is for me.  Staying busy and trying to keep focused on being productive and doing volunteer work.  I really like the volunteer work because it's lead to a lot of really good stuff that I can resell.  I like that I can find projects that translate into reusable code, and that I can identify how to make that code work best for the generic concrete 5 marketplace.  But at the end of the day it's still a solo occupation.  I had kind of the same problem when I posted something on facebook awhile back about needing new hobbies - nearly everything people suggested was a solo activity.  I have plenty of time for solo activities.  I'm not sure what to do about that, seems like most of what I find enjoyable doesn't involve other people.  About the only social thing I do is riding with people and I haven't really been doing that.  There will probably be more rides as the season goes on but even that's a ways out and I haven't really been riding a lot so I'm not that fast or nimble.  I'd probably be bad on group rides in some situations.  I was even trying to work on this on the ride into work the other day, taking corners faster than usual trying to get better at taking corners and I nearly bit it on some sand on the trail around Cedar Lake.  That wasn't too fun.  I have noticed that I've been riding in the big ring when just cruising along, which is good. I was worried about how out of shape I'd be since I was taking the bus so often this winter but apparently the studs and my lack of maintenance made my bike so hard to pedal that even the limited amount of riding kept my legs mostly OK.  I'm not too fast but I'm not really slow either.