I want to get drunk

2011-11-16

5 years ago I set out on an experiment that changed my life, I've determined the results of that experiment and I don't like the results.

The content of this post is limited to people in the Addicts, Lovers, or Nobody groups.

When I was a drinking man, it was always drinking because I was alone.  Then I was always alone because I was drinking - when I was that much of a drunk I didn't want anyone to be around me.  I didn't think it was fair.  So I spent most of my adult life alone, thinking it was my drinking that was keeping me from having relationships with other people.

So I changed that.  And I worked very hard on a lot of things in my life, I tried to be a different person and I think that I succeeded.  But at the bottom of the experiment was the premise that my drinking was the thing that was causing me to be single.  Over the last two years and the last six months specifically I've been actively trying to find anyone that is willing to see me in a romantic light.  And it's not working at all.  There's something wrong with me, there must be. The amount and the depth of the rejection that I've been dealing with is staggering.  I was at a bar with a group of friends who are all polyamorous very sexually active people and the subject of OK Cupid came up.  I said I wasn't getting anywhere, they said you had to go on a lot of first dates to find anyone worthwhile.  That's not my problem.  I can't even get a reply from anyone.  The one woman who has agreed to meet me expressed concern over any romantic involvement and made it clear that's not why she wants to meet me.  Everyone else just ignores my messages.  I must just be a disgusting person with no idea how to talk to someone.  It's no better when I meet people in real life, I never find any single women who seem the least bit interested in me.  

Even starting bike date did absolutely nothing for me but make me feel like even more of a reject.  When I showed up on a ride and there were only two people there and they both weren't interested in even doing the ride if it was just me there that was pretty telling.  I would have thought if there were anyone out there in the bike scene that actually thought I was cute or sexy or smart or anything then someone would have approached me but there was nothing.  More rejection.

Behind the drinking was always the fear that there was just something broken within me and that I would never have healthy relationships because I'd never actually have a relationship because I missed out on the entire world of courtship while I was a teenager.  I was also completely alone then, the one girl I had a relationship with we never actually dated or courted, we just hung out together at her parent's house in the basement.  So somehow I'm cursed now to apparently be the worlds most inept dater.  And if the conclusion of the experiment isn't that the drinking was why I was so disgusting, then the drinking is just a tool to cover up the pain of the fact that I'm doomed to always be alone.

I don't know what to do.  I think I've determined that I'm not going to find love in Minneapolis no matter what I do, and that leaves me with pretty much no reason to stay here other than it's all I know. I don't know where else to turn to try and meet anyone.  I don't think it would help me to look anywhere new honestly because it seems like I'm just always going to be rejected.  So why bother even trying any more, right?

I am trying to keep focused on the fact that I've grown a lot and learned a lot in the last 5 years and not go back to it, but it's really tempting right now.  Just start drinking and the next thing you know the winter will be over, maybe things will be different in the spring.  I don't know.  Right now I don't know much of anything. 

Either way I'm not looking forward to this winter at all. Nobody needs me, nobody wants me.

Somehow I thought writing this down would make me feel better.  It really doesn't.