Today started way too early. I woke up around 5:30 am for some unknown reason. I actually had dreams again, this time it was some house that was on the site of an ancient sacred site and we were excavating and restoring it. Probably inspired by all the episodes of Time Team that I've been watching lately. I wish I could remember what was written on the walls of the chamber we excavated. But waking up this early meant there was no way on earth that I couldn't just stay in bed until I had to start working like I do on most Tuesdays. I ended up getting up about 7 and starting some rice to make a breakfast burrito and then got up a bit later to actually cook it and eat it. So that's two days in a row that I've actually gotten up with enough time to eat breakfast, really unusual.
The first thing I saw on getting to my computer and checking my email was that Laura wants to maybe go back to Wordpress for the greaserag.org site. It's all my fault, it's because I don't feel like I did a good enough job making the site and I've said some negative things about it. She feels like it would be better for both of us if we didn't try any more on it, that it's too much stress for each of us.
I don't think it's just this project, I feel like everything I am isn't good enough for her, that she always thinks that I'm not worthy of her or something. She was always telling me that we weren't a good fit, that things would never work out between us. Since we had the final breakup or the relationship petered out or however it ended she's mentioned on several different occasions different things that I should have done differently or better in our relationship. I didn't think I was such a loser while we were in the relationship, I actually thought that I was someone worth loving because I thought that she loved me. Now the more that I think about it I don't think that she ever loved me, not the same way that I loved her.
We're going to talk about it more later on this week in person, hopefully I can convince her that I'll actually change and stop taklng everything about the project so personally. I don't know if I can do that, I take everything between me and her way too personally. I always have, that's part of why things didn't work out between us. It was because I thought that it was something wrong with me that meant that she was spending so much time away from me. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me that she didn't want me anymore, though really it supposedly wasn't me. But really I know it was me, she told me she once that she couldn't be around me because I'm so depressing and she just couldn't take that I always saw the negative in everything. I'm not supposed to take that personally either. I don't see how I can take it any other way.
That didn't take up enough time to keep me occupied until I had to start working. So I started in on dishes and laundry with the extra time because there wasn't much of anything happening on facebook.
Work was pretty typical. I spent most of the morning and into the beginning of the afternoon getting porting Attributes Slider to work as a lightbox of files. I ended up working through my normal lunch because I had eaten breakfast and simply wasn't hungry yet and then before I knew it it was too late because it was time for our weekly check in meeting on one of our big projects. So I didn't have lunch until pretty late but that wasn't too big of a deal.
I wasn't able to figure out exactly how to get colorbox working once I had proper HTML output from the block. So I had to get help from Robert to get the last part of it working, and even once he had shown me some sample code that he got working to do grouped inline html content I wasn't able to get it ported to my block output. So that was a little frustrating.
I had someone open up a google chat window with me from California that was pretty unexpected too. It's always nice when people want to talk to me, most of my days are pretty empty without much for human contact. So it was nice to talk with someone even though it was someone I didn't know very well.
I think I'm going to expand the content that I keep track of on this blog and start posting more often. I've been doing better about posting more often, I feel like it's kind of important. I have a horrible memory, I once wrote a song that said I'm not looking for happily ever after I'm just looking for someone to remember who I am since I can't remember my own past. So it's more self documentation, not really for anyone else. I still don't get why people keep reading what I write, it's never anything important to anyone else but me.
I'm thinking of adding attributes to the blog posts to keep track of what my general mood is for the day, how much I slept and how much I ate. I'm supposed to be keeping track of these things to help manage the bipolar but I don't keep all that good of records. I have a meeting with my doctor on Friday and I'm probably just going to say that I've been getting enough sleep and eating enough and keeping even but mostly depressed. But I don't actually know how true saying that is true. So actually keeping some data will be key.
The hard part will be figuring out how to display the data in a way that I can use. I'm probably going to have to do some research into charting apis and see what I can do about making a page that allows me to view date ranges of posts with a chart showing how my mood fluctuates over time, how my sleep cycles go. I'm not really sure exactly how to do this but I want to do it.
That was about it. I only left the house to buy a couple of groceries this morning from Seward Coop, and not a whole lot really happened.