Still here, sort of


I've had lots of time to write, yet no desire.  A lot of good things going on, some not so good. But overall I'm in a good place, I think. Portions of this post for lovers only.

I know, it's been months since I last posted.  That happens sometimes - I think I've gone years without blogging before.  So it's not really unusual.  Still, I feel kind of bad.  I wanted to be documenting everything, and I was on the way to doing that, but I just lost touch.

There's no way that I could come close to writing what I've done in the last few months.  Too many different things, I've been going out and seeing people 4 or more nights a week.  Underwear rides.  Free Ride. All City.  Babes in Bikeland.  Premium Rush. Random Parties.  Pizza Farm Trips. No-Name.  Re-forging connections with people.  Creating new connections.  Finding out what I really want out of life, and what makes me happy.

One thing that nearly brought me back to blog was heading out to a bar I'd ridden past 1000s of times but never actually stopped and went inside.  We had a prime booth in the back ready for us, the staff was all treating everyone like VIPs even though it was a dive bar.  We ordered our Juicy Lucys and a few pitchers and settled in, and someone across the table said "Welcome back.  You seemed so distant and unhappy, it's good to see you out with friends and smiling again."  Or something like that.  That was the sentiment, anyway.  I'm not sure that I ever used to smile, though.  I'm wondering when this mythical time was that I was happy, because what I remember from drinking years ago was a lot of unhappiness and loneliness.  So I guess I'm doing something different now, getting it right.

But only up to a point I think.  I'm only partially in control.  I can keep it to only beer and weed, I don't get drunk or too out of control.  But I still can't say "Tonight, I won't drink at all." I can't say "I'm done for tonight" - I just keep going.  One thing that really worries me is that I've already put on 12 pounds in 6 weeks, lots of extra calories.   So there's that.  I guess that's my next thing to work on. 

Being social has been the main focus right now.  I'm doing good on that front.  Which never is really my strong suit.  But I'm getting better at it.  The thing I'm really not good at is remembering people's names, which usually makes it hard to look up the people I meet at parties or rides later on and try to connect with them on facebook and twitter or whatever.  It might be kind of odd to admit it, but I've been making drafts in gmail and trying to save names and get better about it.  Works up to a point. I almost feel like instead of the phone I should just get a little note pad and actually ask people if they mind if I write it down because I'm so bad at remembering names.  Someday I'll have a pair of glasses that will take a photo of someone's face and record the moment they say their name so I'll remember pronunciation and then run automatic lookup of them on the internet and indexing and adding them to my network.  Sadly I'll probably be 60 years old by then and not really doing much of anything that's fun anymore.

Therapy has been kind of odd, seems like I just keep hearing "you're doing good, making lots of progress, taking lots of social risks, keep on doing what you are doing."  Which makes me kind of wonder what I'm doing there at all.  Do I really need it?  There's for sure a lot of old deep seated stuff that needs to be addressed, but I'm not getting any closer on that.  I guess another thing to work on there.  The new meds are actually about 4 bucks every 2 months and seem to work better than the old stuff, so that's really good too.  I'm thinking of upping my dose but so far I've been holding off - I was having some problems in the mornings but switching to taking the pill at night helped that a bit.

Work has been good.  A lot of positive things happening there.  We've been a bit slow lately as some jobs turned out to not be defined enough and need extra clarification which is taking time to hear back from the clients, but that's all just temporary stuff.  I guess, really it's just that we're short on stuff that I know how to program, there's been stuff beyond my skill set that I can't do to keep the other people in the shop busy.  Another job we had has gone back for potential redesigns as the end customer expands and grows - it will come back bigger and better but right now it's out waiting.  One of the clients I brought into the shop is turning out to be expanding a lot, which is really good.  I actually get a commission on all the work they do with us, and we've finished one pretty large project for them and are bidding on several other and an ongoing support contract with them.  Work is in play to potentially bring in another client that could potentially be pretty big that was also my reference, which could be really good as well.  Not a lot of stuff that's new or exciting or worth publishing code samples on or anything, though.  Trying to get a handle on version 5.6 from c5 but I haven't had a lot of time to work on it.  Still need to get all my add ons updated for it and white label it for work.  We were waiting for the bugfix release which just came out, so after finishing up the projects we have in the shop right now that's probably the next thing I'll be doing after I finish up the current project.

I guess, really, that's all the more that I want to say is going on.  There's more, but permissions on that text are really limited.  Today was really odd, yesterday odder, the day before the oddest yet.  The last few weeks have been really inspiring, yet at the same time kind of frustrating.

At any rate, I will try to be better about blogging for the people that actually care to read this website.  It may or may not happen, but I will try.